Thursday, Nov. 06, 2003 - 6:50 p.m.
It's been a full week. it's not over yet. I'm writing now because I feel the need to write, but at the same time I'm super busy and feel the need to go home and relax and be busy with food and music.
Oh well.
Yesterday I had a moment of complete and total contentment. I don't mean that to say that I'm not normaly happy or content, but there are moments when the simple niceness of things hits you in a way that you don't notice as you go about your average day.
It was nothing special. I was getting pizza for lunch at pizza place (a slice of chicken parmesan-yummy) and grabbing some for my coworkers, had felt like I knew what I was doing all day at work, had plans for the evening (Matrix), and my cough was leaving me.
Since then, new confusions have arisen, but overall I am happy. I just live in a constant state of being torn. Part of me wants this, part of me wants that. I want to do so many things and not be tied down, but I want stability and security. I make no sense.
and don't forget work. I like my job. I feel it will likely lead to something. But at the same time, I'm getting paid very little and have no benefits, and that bothers me. But it's all good for now.
I'm in research right now. Have been for the last week. In a strange way it's a job that suits me. it's very much based on being able to multi-task like crazy and be organized. Granted no one else in the office (research office specifically, but really the whole thing) is, but I am.
the week started with a raccoon running through the office and into our supply closet, which was promptly shut behind it. Then we had to call our warehouse manager to come and get it. He hunts and the standard joke is that he's scary. I don't think so, he has friendly eyes, but is just a little more rustic than most of my coworkers who've known nothing but cities their whole lives.
To back up a bit, Halloween. Friday I dragged out some scrubs a friend of mine had given me to use as pajamas and used them as a cheap costume (and a last minute costume as I'd forgotten the holiday was coming up) and we headed to New York City and a club called Flow.
Flow is in Greenwhich Village, which had obviously had a parade based on the closed off roads and dismantled floats driving by. There were droves of people on the streets in costumes ranging from amazingly average to incredibly creative. I loved it. Everywhere you looked, people, dressed up.
There was a pulse and it was also in the club. I danced and laughed and was the designated driver home.
Saturday I went to a more laid back party at a coworkers house. But I almost liked this more, as it centered heavily on conversation and anyone that knows me knows I can talk and talk.
I feel myself growing a little being here. Maybe not a lot, but just a little.
I tried karaoke Tuesday night. I was pulled up on stage by two new friends and forced to sing "Bohemian Rhapsody." It was horrendous, but mostly on purpose.
I'm learning myself a little more. I guess that's what life is though for the introspective.
But I do realize that I am bound to spend a lot of time alone. I don't mean lonely because I'll always have those people I can count on and talk to and care about. (Becasue I realized as well that I have an abundance of affection) But I spend a lot of everyday time alone. And I think it'll be awhile before I have someone that I share my daily activities with. I dare say I've felt love, but I also don't see myself in a long term life sharing relationship for at least 5 more years or so.
But that doesn't bother me too much. Right now it feels right....most of the time.
Now I must go. I have yet some research to do and some articles to write before the night is done. This weekend I'm hitting goodwill and looking for cheap things and a library to get a card. For now, I'm going home to eat.
