Friday, Jan. 23, 2004 - 6:04 p.m.
Topics:
Box Office Poison:
If you like comics or even if don't you should check this out. I'm just now reading it and can't put it down at night.
Writing Prompts:
a list of writing prompts that I have said randomly open a dictionary and close your eyes and put your finger down, the word you chose you must write a poem using that word as the title. My word was "doggie bag." I'm having a little bit of trouble.
Work:
More often than not now talking about work makes me upset. I hate that. I hate that something I really enjoy fundamentaly has so much shit tied around it to make it stink.
First there was the major dis of coming back and being told that 2 positions opened but I wasn't considered for them. As time has gone by I've noticed things that make me realize that I am incredibly unlikely to go anywhere here. There is something in the way. I tried to think I was just being silly and jealous when I watched other interns get way better assignments and I was not given one thing for the special I asked to get some work,any work for, but it's just becoming too noticeable. And the worst thing about it is that until I explain everything to someone, from beginning to end every instance, I know that it seems like I'm just blowing things out of proportion.
But the final blow came last week. My boss sent me an email saying we would have to hav a meeting and discuss the end date of my internship (ironically just when I was thinking of asking him if I could have some sort of title so that it felt more like a real job). I had not realized when he invited me back that there was going to be a time limit, or even that it was being considered a standard internship. What it told me is that I am right. Nothing is going to come of this place.
Oh yeah, and the next day, one of my fellow summer interns (the design one) got hired. Granted it's a different department, but they created a job for him that was not there, and I'm being told, "if something opens up we'll leave ourselves open to the possibility of considering you for employment."
So, I am looking for a new job. Cross your fingers and let me know if you hear anything.
In the meantime, it's very hard to be here. For the first time ever I'm having a hard time doing my best at things. I hate that it bothers me so much, but it really hurts to know that I'm going to be forced to leave. This really is something I like doing.
And in the midst of all I can't seem to fit in, can't find my nitch. Adn the people that can are the ones that are moving ahead here.
Creativity:
The bright spot of my day was getting an email from Devon that proved incredibly helpful to me thinking of rewriting a story I wrote years ago. It sparked a creative drive that I'm hoping I'll have through the weekend because I'm actually looking forward to writing for me.
Journal:
I also think I may try to start a paper journal again. The only time I've ever kept one was my time in Germany (during which I also kept a computer one so that in my old age when I can't even discern my own writing I'll be able to read it if I want). Since then I've only kept a real one (not this one) on computer and sporadically at best.
But I want to be able to do like I did the other day and just randomly open to a page and read about a memory that I'd pushed aside for more timely information. Just yesterday I visited two random memories:
WhenI was new to Germany, so were my friends. One evening Chris walked me home and we talked with each other in that way that you do with someone that you click with instantly. We just got each other, and that was cool. I told him about my language insecurities (because my German was atrocious) and he listened and it was sweet. Before he left he looked at me and asked in a wya that made me know he was letting his guard down to do this (which Chris rarely did) for a hug (preempting of course with the fact that he hoped I didn't think him a freak - but in a more British manor). A hug was just what I'd been needing since I'd gotten so used to having friends that were affectionate (much like I miss it now).
The other memory was of a night when me and my Spanish friends (Diego, Carlos, Aiala, Maria) went out dancing and then back to Diego's room for hot chocolate and stayed up so late everyone was falling asleep while the sun came up. It was simple and yet so nice.
And I want to be able to flip open to a simple day and read about it.
