Wednesday, Mar. 31, 2004 - 3:28 p.m.
I guess I should be working, but who cares. And to keep myself from freaking out (I swear a second ago I could barely breathe) I'm writing here. let me go into that.
I hate my country sometimes. Why should it be so almost impossible to get insurance. Why should I have to pay $300 (and that's apparently a decent price with some program that leaves me on the insurance here) a month just to stave off the worry that I'll have an accident and be left thousands in debt, just so I can visit a doctor if I get sick?
Anyway, in the meantime, song lyrics that stuck out at me lately and why:
First, a whole song by my friend Chris:
Just tell me when you're feeling low
When you can't go on
Just call.
I'll be there
pick the pieces up,
dry the tears off,
just call.
Don't be afraid
It's alright
to need a friend
tonight.
chorus:
Relax a bit, collapse a bit
No need to speak
just hide don't seek
relax a bit, collapse a bit
no need for words, it's all absurd
relax a bit, collapse a bit in me.
So tell me
what it's all about.
Let your feelings out
and see.
It's over
what's done is done.
Lift up your head
and breathe.
Don't be afraid,
it's alright
to need a friend
tonight
repeat chorus
it's over.
There's a new way out.
Leave it all behind.
You're free.
Remember,
next time around
you're not alone
You've got me.
Ok. So, I don't like the chorus much. But the rest of it reminds me of Chris a lot. He's like that, although he hides it well. I can remember two instances of him being there for me, trying to comfort me in some way.
When I found out my mother was having heart problems. I felt so helpless and worried. Chris sat next to me and listened to me, reminded me that my mom wanted me to experience this and that there was nothing I could do there that I couldn't do here (there being USA, here being Germany), put his arm around my shoulder and stroked my hair while I sniffled.
Another major time, I was having a painful conversation with Patrick. I had to call Chris' flatmate, Maria (also a great friend) and let her know I'd be missing a trip we'd planned. Chris answered the phone and heard the tears in my voice, asked if I wanted someone to talk to. I said I was in the middle of a long call. But a couple hours later, he showed up at my door. He came in, sat across the room from me, chatted away trying to make me smile as I lay there depressed and feeling awful. After awhile he looked at me and asked if I wanted to talk about it and when I said no, he didn't press, just reminded me that he was there if I did later.
But his song reminds me of that in him. And in a lot of my friends. The instinctive drive to comfort or something.
"and I don't want to be your regret. I'd rather be your cocoon." -cocoon, Jack Johnson.
This particular lyric stuck out for me every time I heard the song. It made me think of Patrick.
I don't know how much he actually cared about what he was to me, but it was the idea behind it, how true a caring was that you wouldn't want an ending to become hard and painful.
And, I don't regret my relationship with him. I regret that it went on longer than it should have and that that is probably mostly my fault. And he was something of a cocoon for me. My relationship with Patrick helped me to grow into someone that was much more confident with themself as a whole. This is probably why it bothers me that I don't have a friendship to show for it anymore, but I've accepted that too.
"I'm not beautiful like you, I'm beautiful like me." - Beautiful, Joydrop
Yeah, this is pretty straightforward, but I've always felt it pretty strongly too. I'll never be the standard of beauty, but I have my high points.
"I'm alright. It only hurts when I breathe."
-breathe, Greenwheel
This is kind of what it's like to work at a place that basically just fired you.
"and for all you know, this could be the difference between what you need and what you want."
And yet, this is also how i feel about my current situation.
"and we're all so strong when nothing's wrong and the world is at our feet. But how small we are when our love is far away." 20,000 seconds. K's Choice
I've felt this before. The real test is how you deal with things when they hit you when none of your loved ones are there to help. I'm still not sure how well I do. I'm needier than people like to admit.
"if prejudice is ignorance
and ignorance is bliss
then how do the happy biggots, think of anything else?" -'pockets' Towergrape.
I've just always loved this line. Truthfully, the biggots don't think of much more, and in reality this keeps them less happy I've noticed, but it is a great line.
Ok, that's enough for now I'm sure. Strangely, this made me feel better, now i can go back to mindless work....and this evening, the job hunt begins in full force on the internet.
