Saturday, May. 22, 2004 - 9:13 p.m.
It is Saturday. I am sitting at a computer with internet. I am dog sitting for some friends of mine. To them that also seemed to mean house sitting, so for one weekend I have unabashed access to the internet.
So, while I type, IM a friend in Florida, and periodically throw a toy for the dog, I'm debating what I feel like doing tonight.
my options are not empty, but not full either. A great many of the people I hang out with are out of town at the comic convention in Philadelphia. There are a few others, but I'm not sure about if I want to do them. Then there's the option of just hanging out here, which seems likely what I'll do.
That's kind of me lately. There's this weird instability in me lately. Emotions rocking, but not strong.
I was tellingm y friend this a few weeks ago. How I'm tired of not knowing what I feel.
There are thee moments when I feel really frustrated and upset with my stupid job and money situation, with the effort that seems to be doing nothing, with being let go in the first place. There's this part of me that has to really work hard sometimes to stay positive about my future.
Because there are moments when I just want to give in and take the easy road. Find a job that I don't enjoy, but gives me all the stuff I need (money, insurance) with little hassle.
But there's the other part of me that knows that that would be a small death for me anyway. I have to feel like I'm working toward something.
Then there are the moments when I feel really sharp moments of contentedness, happiness. The beautiful weather. Friendships forming, gaining strenght, continuing to be deep.
Or moments when I feel like I'm building something up. Like there's all this opportunity building around me waiting for just the right puncture to let it spill out.
But most of the time lately, I just sort of feel a sort of hazy, confusing almost numb even keel kind of thing. I'll be honest (and stave off worries at the same time i hope) and say that it leans a little more toward content than unhappy, but it's weird.
But small victories:
I seem to be getting back my creative instinct/drive that had decided to hibernate while I was at Wizard. Cross your fingers for me that I'm right.
and small annoyances:
Now that I am working retail again, I have an almost completely opposing schedule to, well, all of my friends (whom I met in or through the office environment, 9-5, world of wizard).
Mostly right now I feel myself going into deep analytical mode, like I'm apt to do. Thinking a lot about everythying from how I feel to why people act like they do. I find myself wishing to have someone around that I can tlak and talk to about anything. One of those few people you come across in your life that can listen to you ramble senselessly and understand what you mean.
That's what's kept me from writing this entry for so long. This strange ambiguity of my own feelings. Ups and downs. Flat Plains.
