Monday, Nov. 22, 2004 - 1:43 a.m.
I'm currently kind of lost in my life. I'm generally unhappy with everything in it except for Jairo (and of course my friends and family).
He is a shining thing in it right now and every little thing he does seems to make me love him more. Like the fact that he gives money to the bums in the city (and then still feels guilty because he's not giving more - I can see it on his face), or helps ladies up stairs with baby carriages, or that when I woke him up with my crying he just instantly started stroking my hair.
And that's something too. I don't cry, but lately I do.
And I know that I have to get to some sort of crazy motivated mode that I just can't get myself back to. I was in it right after I got fired and eventually it exhausted me and I can't get myself back to it, probably partly because it didn't seem to do any more good. But in the meantime, I can't seem to figure out where my life is going....or how to make the direction myself like I've done before.
I've got this stupid wound that won't close because it's constantly being ripped open because of people I know....and they don't know they're doing it so I can't get mad, but I also can't get away from it.
Like when you hate your job and you're trying to find something in your field, the last thing you want is to be asked everytime you see one of your friends (that basically lucked into theirs - much as I don't begrudge them of it) what you're doing now, where you're working.
But that's part of it too. I keep getting no answers on job applications and seeing the "you must have x experience" thing....and everyone else I know seems to just be falling into jobs.
It's weird. because I am genuinly happy for them. but at the same time, jealous.
But it just keeps happening. We hung out with Jairo's friends Saturday, the first question is "where're you working now?" followed by "but don't you have a degree?" (other than that it was a really nice time...saw harlem, went to the Met)
Or today (sunday) we hung out in the city with two Wizard guys and a girl that interned there (but will get a job there if she wants one once she graduates college since her family is best friends with the president of the company) and instantly it's "what are you doing now?"
And I know I'm probably overly sensitive, but it takes a lot of effort to try to figure out how to answer that in a breezy way and change the subject at the same time.
And in the meantime I worry about the fact that Jairo is my main source of contentment. I don't want to put that pressure on him. I don't want that to be or become what the relationship is about.
And none of this is making any sense, or any connection.....and I can't even believe that I'm being this open on this forum to be honest.
This just seems to have been a bad year for me. And I can only hope that next year gets better.
