Tuesday, Nov. 30, 2004 - 1:09 a.m.
For a bit I was momentarily freaking out about my path in life, my calling, my career. It was a strange slump I couldn't quite get over until two people said things that forced me back into perspective.
I was talking about trying to find a new thing and Jairo said to me, "you have to give it one more try." It wasn't until that moment that I realized I was giving up, giving up on a goal because of one (monumentaly granted) bad experience.
Along with that, Dudley reminded me that aspiring actors are always working other jobs, and yet we allow them to be "aspiring actors." So, it is perfectly ok for me to have a job and not feel that it negates me being a journalist.
I knew these things, deep down, but sometimes you need someone to say them the right way with the right timing.
So, I've been thinking relationship stuff lately.
This could be because rather then spend Thanksgiving home with my family, I spent it with Jairo and his family.
It was nice. It was a little weird because I felt very much like it was a getting-to-know-you thing with his mom. But even that was nice.
I will say it's the first Thanksgiving I've been to where rice was part of the menu.
And she gave me chocolate with little sayings. One said "As water smooths stone, so love shapes the spirit." I love that. It's beautiful and true. Love changes you slowly, gently and over time, but permanently.
And I've been thinking on that lately. I spent the entire weekend with him. And I feel silly saying things like this but the more I'm with him the more I want to be with him. I can honestly say I've never felt this strongly for anyone else.
But that's what got me to thinking of about relationships and love in general.
He was cleaning his room, I was helping. We came across a black and white photo and I asked who it was and he said "oh my ex" like it was uncomfortable to mention in front of me. I realized I mention Patrick sometimes without even realizing I'm doing it.
There is also a note written on his doorjam from his ex that says "I'll always love you." The idea of that made me smile. Because you can make statements like that and know that they will be true.
Because love can change. But these things made me realize that with Patrick, my longest relationship to date, there is no emotional connection anymore. I have love for him, but it's almost abstract, like to a memory. And I can talk about him without realizing that it might be uncomfortable because I'm just talking about my past and he just happened to be there in most of my stories or whatever.
And this is odd because I know part of the reason for this is the complete disconnect. One of my other relationships, I still have a deep love for him. Changed back to it's original form, but deep. There's connection there though.
And I find myself wondering, worrying stupid things. Does this love feel different because I'm at a different point in my life? And other sorts of worries, rather than just going with it.
My life is too full of examples of failed relationships for me to give in completely, but I'm working on it.
Whatever, mindless rambling.
This weekend I also got to see my friend Maria, from Spain. She is living in Miami but was visiting New York city with some of the other Spanish girls she works and lives with.
Jairo and I went into the city to meet them and it was wonderful.
He was great because he helped to find the way around and he could talk to them in Spanish (unlike me). And he didn't complain despite doing things that were certainly boring to him. (So I left him at home the second day - Sunday).
And I could close my eyes as they all talked to each other, planning things out, and almost felt transported back in time to a warm pocket of existence for me when all the best times where punctuated by cheerful Spanish spoken around me, somehow including me.
There are people you can go without seeing for years and yet when you get to see them it is like time stopped. That is Maria. She and I are so similar in so many ways and yet she is so amazing on her own.
I mean there were things. Her accent was stronger than I remember - even though it was so great to hear my name spoken with her accent - (apparently this is partly because no one needs to speak English in Miami). There were less day to day things to talk about. Her hair was shorter and mine is a different color. The people around us were different....but similar.
I swear, at the risk of stereotyping, there is a warmth, a friendliness to Spanish and Latin people that I am drawn to.
We did the sights: Battery Park, Grand Central, China Town, Time Square, and several they'd hit the day before I saw them. And once again (like years before) I was told that they were glad to meet me to know that not all Americans think a certain way.
So I spent two days with Maria and her friends and look forward to being able to plan a trip to Miami.
