Sunday, Apr. 17, 2005 - 1:50 a.m.
I realize now (although many people have previously said so to me) that I I process and work through my experiences and such by discussion. By the process of talking things through with others I evaluate and examine anything that has me upset, confused, whatever and come to something that sometimes might be understanding.
One of the reasons that I know this to be true is that the times when I've felt the most helpless are the times when I have something on my mind and complete inaccess to anyone that I ramble my thoughts to (those patient souls).
Tonight is one of those nights.
Because something happened tonight that I don't feel like explaining and writing out. But I did want to talk through with someone. But I couldn't because one part of it is sitting in the next room. And my confusion is unsettling me.
Even then, I feel that I don't have the option of going to at least one person I used to talk about this kind of stuff with. That would be my dad, and this kind of stuff would be things involving guys. But now two problems exist with that. One, I don't want him to get a bad impression. Two, he hasn't been answering the damn phone.
So, instead I end up doing the closest thing I can to meditating - standing in the shower focusing on the feel of the water on my shoulders and the latest song running through my head. This doesn't usually help anything make sense, but it clears my head a little.
Or I end up writing everything out. Not here. In longhand, on paper. Something in the actual act of writing holds its own catharsis.
Maybe i'll do that. Because the other option is to have it sit in my head, tapping its foot on my brain.
